DROWNING ABOVE WATER

The last few months – if I’m really, truly, unashamedly honest – have felt like drowning above water.

The last few months – if I’m really, truly, unashamedly honest – have felt like drowning above water. I haven’t written in months, save for my full-time copywriting job, but most of that writing is business-minded and unemotional. Somehow, after writing for eight hours a day, five days a week, I don’t seem to have any unique ideas left. I graduated my Creative Writing course in December last year, but it feels like longer ago. 

Winter just arrived; it’s the 1st of June. I don’t know if it’s the soggy autumn leaves or the fog clouding train windows lately, but I have to try really hard to make it through each week. Someone told me I am experiencing SAD (seasonal affective disorder – what a terrible pun). I joined a gym two months ago and that’s temporarily helped to offset things. Mostly I just feel lonely. I often feel like I’m giving myself continuously, like water from a vessel, and then all of a sudden I’m empty, and drowning again. I wonder when the time will come when I’ll be filled up again. Part of me doesn’t think it’s going to, but I’m trying to stay optimistic. 

Five days ago, a dog I really loved died. He wasn’t mine, but I compared every dog I ever met to him. He was white and small and fluffy, and he loved kissing you as soon as you came in the door. He was so warm. The last time I saw him, I was really sick and he cuddled me as I slept with a thick blanket on top of the doona. I found out today that he is probably going to be replaced soon. I had been sent a few photos – “Which one do you think is the cutest?” I answered, “Far left,” then felt sick for some unexplainable reason. I don’t want to know another puppy right now. I can’t be bothered pretending to forget that the dog I loved was here just a week ago. I’ve been sent a few more pictures since, and I answer reluctantly now. How can something be so easy to replace? What if I disappeared? Would anyone notice? ✦