VIEWS

It's been a while...

Photos are from a shoot I did with Stace (@vanderstruss on Instagram – amazing talent!!)

  

             

I can't remember the last time I actually sat down and wrote a post (which, side note, is REALLY BAD). My first semester of uni finished last week, though, so I suppose I'm going to have a lot of spare time on my hands for the next month or so.

I have a MAJOR life update, guys. Being the indie rock enthusiast that I am, I never thought I would be writing the next sentence. I have fallen in love with Drake... 

Whenever one of his songs come on I am transformed into the average basic bitch who thinks they can rap the verses with the same vigour and pain as he can. What's more, I'm proud of it. I still haven't got all his albums and mixtapes yet – I'm working my way from newest releases to oldest – but I'd say I'm a fan. DON'T SIT THERE AND JUDGE ME!! I SEE YOU!!! Just look at some of the lyrics from his songs (and you know I'm a hoe for good lyrics):

• - I gave your nickname to someone else
• - I tried with you... There's more to life than sleeping in and getting high with you
• - What am I supposed to do after we've done everything that we've done – who is your replacement? 
• - Sometimes, I wish I could go back in life – not to change shit, just to feel a couple things twice

So that's who I've been listening to on the daily train journey to and from uni. Which brings me to my next point of discussion: UNI! You've seen some of the content I've had to put together for my assignments, but this semester as a whole was more than those few samples. 

I guess I should begin with how it's all made me feel (starting a dream course to my dream job, that is). That subtly bitchy, 'my life is so perfect' statement should, at least, tell you one thing: I am happy. I don't think it's the sort of temporary, overreaching happiness that fades away after a while, but one that is always lingering beneath every task I do, whether it's related to Creative Writing or not. Perhaps it's fulfilment. A reassuring touch of fulfilment. 

There are some worries, as always (have you forgotten I'm an anxious little shit?) The obvious questions rise up, from myself and others: "How are you going to get a job with this degree?" and "Will it even pay enough?". The answers: "I'm not too sure just yet," and "Probably not." But I'll live, and I'll figure it out somehow. It's not vital for me to be able to answer those questions at this stage of my course when I still have two years to go. I still have time. This is a relatively easy qualm to swat away.

In my course, we are required to look over our peers' work every so often, as well as have ours checked by others. This is exactly as daunting as it sounds, but also extremely eye-opening and helpful. As a class, we are also encouraged to gently pull apart the intricacies of pieces written by fantastic writers to find out what makes their work great. Bring forth the next wave of worry: the one that threatens the very core of my mind. "What if you're not a great writer?", "Your ideas are shit!", "You'll never be able to write something like this." These thoughts swim around endlessly in my brain, constantly stirred by the fingers of self-doubt and comparison. Theoretically, I know it's wrong to compare myself to writers with book deals, and it's even wrong to try and do so with the work of classmates. It's something I'm still working on achieving, I think – that self-belief in my work. 

I realised that that's what I've been lacking this semester. Becoming lazy with blogging, I would argue, probably contributed to the lack of self-belief. I began to think none of what I wrote mattered. I completely forgot what it felt like to be noticed, recognised, appreciated – solely as a result of my writing. I was still writing, but it didn't feel as satisfying as I had remembered blogging felt. And I realised a whole chunk of what makes me happy – blogging – was completely missing from my life. (Jesus, this is getting really sad). But anyway, I'm trying to start blogging again when I can, get that piece of my life back where I can. ✦